The Truth

I've been known for my honesty, especially on topics like marriage and motherhood. I don't like to sugar coat it. Most the time I am praised for it, although I am sure there are other times people can't believe I just spilled the beans and tell how it really is. At this point in our lives I think we all know that life isn't rainbows and butterflies. So here it is, this is how you picture yourself being a mom:

And when you are brave enough to admit that isn't realistic, this is how you really feel as a mom:

I had a conversation recently with some friends about how we aren't the types of moms we pictured ourselves being. Insert *round of applause* to all of us for admitting that. It's not easy. No one can tell you why it's not easy, it just isn't. But is it also magical and the most wonderful feeling in the world? Absolutely. From birth on up, every age has it's ups and downs. From "How exciting, my baby can walk!" to "Holy shit, I just watched my kid fall down the stairs!"  Yeah, that happened a couple weeks ago. We both ended up in tears. Today we both ended up in tears again. He wasn't getting his way and I reached a breaking point. I have an infant that does not sleep during the day. I am shocked shitless if he sleeps longer than 45 minutes at any given point during the day. Yesterday we managed to all take a nap, the first time this has happened in 10 weeks. I paid for it by being wide awake at 2:45 this am and stayed that way. I digress. I have an infant that does not nap, a 2 year that does not eat, and my patience is virtually non-existent. When Holt is tired, he's a mess, a disaster, a nightmare to deal with. He can't function, he can't seem to hear me correct him, and he melts down at absolutely nothing. Jett, characteristic of an infant, cries when he is tired. Holt purposely wakes Jett up when he sees him dozing off or sees him asleep anywhere. Come dinner time when I am supposed to be getting it together before Kyle gets home, I can't breathe from the stress of a 2 year old yelling at me to help cook (which any day now is going to end up in a burned hand or busted head from falling off the counter) and a screaming infant who just won't sleep! I hate dinner time. Kyle and I generally spend the entire time yelling at Holt to eat while he pushes anything and everything away saying "Holt don't like it." all the while trying to calm a crying, exhausted Jett. So that's the truth.

The truth is that you will yell more than you think you will ever yell at someone who can barely speak English. Someone that no matter how much you yell, still wants you to kiss him goodnight and scratch his back.

The truth is you will find yourself getting frustrated by a 14lb being that can do nothing but cry to express feelings. Someone that will make your day better with a single smile just because they see your face or giggle because you said something in a funny tone.

The truth is you will freak out because your kid is not eating or you think he ate too much sugar that day. Someone that deserves an M&M cookie because nothing can replace how his face lights up at the mere mention of helping mommy make cookies.

The truth is you will consider starting your own HH at 3pm...but you'll get past it and instead reward yourself with ice cream that night, but not all the time. Sometimes you do need the wine.

The truth is that the slow motion picture you have of yourself and your kid on a carousel smiling and laughing is a short lived 2 minute ride. But those 2 minutes are absolute bliss that often overshadow the meltdown in the candy store.

The truth is that you will make you kid cry. Whether it's by yelling at their older sibling and scaring the bejesus out of them or by just losing your cool and just yelling to yell. But when your kid cries, they still want you to kiss it and make it better...and you will...and you will end up feeling bad an apologizing.

The truth is you will take 20 pictures trying to get that special moment you picture and you will get mad when they don't cooperate. You tell yourself you didn't get any and will delete them all. You will have a hard time deleting any in fear you won't even get that little moment back again.

The truth is you will feel like a bad mom...more than you will feel like a good mom. Someone, anyone, will tell you the little person that is driving you up the wall is smart, and funny, and sweet all because of you.

It's hard. It's wonderful. It sucks. It's the best. It's exhausting. It's invigorating. It's sad. It's happy. It's motherhood.

Facebook is an enemy, one I cannot get away from because I still love it. It's full of pictures of flowers from amazing husbands who sent them "just because". Probably "just because" he was an asshole the night before. Or mom's that put some of their 1000+ pins on Pinterest to use and made that project you have been wanting to attempt, but you had to rush out of Hobby Lobby because of a screaming infant and forgot half the supplies. Hell no you aren't going back in that store again! Or kids that actually smile for a picture. A picture where someone behind the camera is saying "doodoo" to make that smile happen. Or mom's with a smile from ear to ear holding their kids, a mom that is secretly suffering from postpartum depression. Don't be fooled by what you see. I've been some of these things...life ain't always what it seems. But it's your life. So if you can't tell, I had a rough day. No matter how rough the day is, I always wake up a new person and a new mom who seems to forget what happened to day before. You have to. Everyday is different and everyday deserves to be cherished. These times don't last forever, and in 20 years, I'll give anything to go back to my hardest day just to have my kids be babies again.