My Mommy AHA Moment

It's me again, the Rainbow and Butterfly squasher, here to put real life in perspective and make others feel normal. Or maybe I'm the abnormal one and should look into that further (anyone know a shrink?). Regardless, I don't think most of us are spending our "spare" time as moms creating sensory stations of oatmeal and shaving cream for our infants and putting up tape in a doorway for our toddler boys to throw stuff at like it's a spiderweb. Kinda goes against the whole "Don't throw things in the house!" doesn't it? And if you are, that's fantastic, good for you, applause applause. I wonder where in your life do you feel you fall short, if I am feeling I fall short where you are excelling? Because lets be real, no one truly is that perfect

I've had a rough time lately, a really rough time. I've had tears, and major discussions with myself about what my life is about. There's a Kenny Chesney song with a lyric that goes:

"She said the girl I was with the business degree probably wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank.
I was gonna run the math.
Now all I want to run is a bubble bath."

And that's how I feel. I'm the girl with the business degree and I know for a fact she wouldn't recognize me. I told Kyle when I was deciding to become a stay at home mom, that I needed a job description. I needed a list of his expectations because that's how my mind works. I like business. If this was any other job in the world, I honestly feel like I would have been fired by now. They're my kids and they're my husband so they can't fire me. I want to fire myself because I feel like I am failing at it...every single day. 

Here's what happened this morning. Like every morning, I'm running around like a crazy person changing diapers, wiping bottoms, grabbing Superman underwear, he wants Spiderman underwear, pouring milk, making it chocolate, he didn't want chocolate, making it regular again, making him a bowl of cereal, he didn't want milk, toss out the cereal, put cereal in a cup, looking for shoes and socks I know I saw the day before, picking up a milk cup off the ground, putting on mascara on the other eye I forgot, packing the ice pack in lunch so his yogurt stays cold, don't forget the spoon, chasing kids to comb their hair, convincing him to put his shoes on, he's looking for Batman, put your shoes on, I scream. I lose it. I lose my cool completely. I lose it so bad I have floated out of my body and the girl with the business degree looked down and wondered who that girl down there yelling at her 3 year old is. I turn everything over to God and pray for him to please show me the way, I don't like that person. I surrender to You. In the midst of fighting back my tears a few minutes later, my 3 year old walks over to me with all his innocence and says "Mommy, maybe if I hug you, you will feel better." Hello God. I lose it again, this time it's tears rolling down my face. I apologize and tell him I love him. We get in the car and he says "Are we best friends again?" I've been convicted. This was my AHA moment. I don't know what to do from here but I know I've reached the point where I need to be honest with myself and make some changes. Maybe it's ordering a book, (I already have one on the way), maybe it's spending more time alone, maybe it's deciding to get my house in order (ha), maybe it's talking with my doctor, maybe it's a bottle of wine with my girlfriends, maybe it's time away with my husband, go to the gym, get more involved at Church, who knows. Being a mom is hard, it's really hard, and no one tells you why it's hard. That's what I am here for.