Monday, June 13, 2016

3 Boys

I haven't posted a blog since Ford's birth. That's why this post topic will come as absolutely zero shock. My house is CRAZY. It's chaotic. It's stressful. It's loud, like so loud I can't even handle it y'all. It's messy, so messy. There are crumbs everywhere. This is where most people insert hashtag blessed, so thankful for the chaos. What a load of donkey dung. Hold on I have to go pour another glass of wine...okay I'm back.

This post might have little to no direction and I might just start spewing verbal diarrhea out, but here's the gist...I'm drowning in little boy chaos. Yes, I have 3 beautiful and healthy children. I am so completely thankful for that you have no idea. It's what I pray about every night alone and with them. That's just not what this is about.

It's one of the first things I warn tell moms to be of little boys about, right after I say the cliché "little boys love their mommies so much".  They are so loud. Not like 25% of the day, like 95% of the day. Loud talking, loud playing, loud bathing, just so loud. Legos are a quiet activity right? NOPE, not when Doc Ock takes on Spider-Man in a wild car chase through the kitchen. Broken Legos everywhere, broken Legos to step on everywhere. I'll be 2 feet away and it's "MOMMY!!!! GET MY SNACK. MY TUMMY IS GROWLING! AND I'M THIRSTY!!!!" I'm right here dude, and can I get a please? My oldest literally follows me around all day long, TALKING. Just nonstop, noise and chatter, TALKING my ear off. He should write screenplays or become a novelist to get all those thoughts out of his tiny little head. Boys are shrilly. I thought girls were supposed to be shrilly. Have you heard a 3 year old boy being chased by his older brother when he doesn't want to be? My gosh, dogs in other counties could heard that. You know what else is noisy, me. When I can't handle one more high pitched squeal or roaring yell of a superhero fight, I'm the noisiest. The problem is they can't seem to hear me ask them nicely. "Sweetie, please stop yelling, it hurts my ears. Ok, boys that's enough, lets not be so loud." Then when I become some possessed demonic version of myself, I have their attention. 

Crumbs. Toys. Paper. Tape. Trash. Cups. Blocks. Balls. Oh. My. Gosh. We have confined them to two places to eat now and it doesn't help. Who thinks crushing their Cheez-Its on the floor is fun? Boys. Who thinks spitting milk on the ground is fun? Boys. Who thinks blowing bubbles in their water is fun? Boys. Who thinks eating cereal on the couch promising not to spill and spills 2 seconds later is fun? Boys. Who thinks rubbing yogurt all over the kitchen table is fun? Boys. Who thinks dumping out a toy basket right after I clean the room is fun? Boys. Who thinks squeezing an entire tube of toothpaste on the sink is fun? Boys. Who thinks splashing in the toilet is fun? Boys. Who thinks I'll never have a clean house again? Me. 
I would love to have a picturesque home from a magazine with tall candlesticks, nice furniture, lamps not made of metal, and other pretty accessories. Hell I would love a coffee table! We had to retire the coffee table when it became a constant launching pad onto the couch or floor. I wonder in how many languages I need to learn to say "Stop jumping on the couch!" before they will actually understand me? English isn't working so well. My couch pillows are used in a pillow fight or to jump from the couch to the floor...daily. The few candlesticks I have are in constant fear they will crash to the ground at any moment due to the amount of balls in my house...literally and figuratively. They actually tried to balance on a ball like a bunch of circus animals through my living room tonight. Now I know what you're thinking, discipline Mom discipline. I run a tight ship. I'm strict. I am far from letting them run this place. It's not working. I want curtains in my living room. I can't justify it when all I can see is 3 little monkeys hanging from them like Tarzan. Or tripping over them during a Nerf fight that sends one of them to the ER. I told Kyle I wanted new couches the other day. He says I should plan on replacing any piece of furniture we have every 3-4 years with boys in the house. Since he grew up with 2 brothers, I'm afraid he knows what he's talking about. Insert completely wide eyed face of sheer fear from me.
I'm not going to try and say running errands with girls is a piece of cake either and quite honestly, I just don't know any different.  Does anyone else feel like they might have a heart attack after an errand run? I have one thing to grab at store that should take all of 10 minutes. 45 minutes later they're crying, I'm upset, and I feel as though security will be escorting us out at any moment. "You never get anything for us!" The brand new bathing suits and movie they picked out doesn't count I suppose when all they really wanted was the Kit-Kat at checkout. "I'm thirsty!" Well we are going home and we don't need the blue Gatorade that is sure to spill all over my car. "I have to go potty!" Really? You couldn't tell me that while we were inside the store? You can piss you pants for all I care, I'm not getting your brothers out of the car and trekking all the way back inside after we left kicking and screaming. Not one errand in recent memory has been easy. So maybe we should just do more fun things? You got it. Lets go bowling! "Ugh, I wanted to go to Build A Bear!" I cannot friggin win around here. One day last week, I was actually wiping a butt and holding a squirming toddler at the same time in public restroom. I don't know why I don't leave the house more...
So, in conclusion...I don't have one. There are sweet glimmers and happiness in everyday, don't misunderstand me. Overall, I'm surrounded by dudes that don't listen to me, destroy my home, deface my property, and do their best to push my buttons. If anyone has any suggestions on how to raise 3 boys without drinking excessively or going gray early, well keep it to yourself because I have probably already thought about it. While I get through the chaos of having 3 boys 5 and under in general,  I'm going to do my best to make batshit crazy look good.
Never ending Mess.

My lack of decor and missing coffee table.


  1. Oh Shea, you are a great mother and a great writer! If you ever get any time amongst the chaos, you should do more of that :-) I love reading your posts and blogs. I'm already at that point where heading to Target with 2 babies sounds like an all-day affair that I don't look forward to. I can't imagine errands with 3 boys! We had to rent a storage for all our furniture that no longer fits here because of all the baby apparati! Hang in there! So far you're doing great! Like my friend who is mom to two boys says... She is proud to just get thru each day keeping them alive and healthy! I think all mom's everywhere deserve some overdue respect... This sh*t ain't easy! Lol -Steph

  2. Definitely, we are all in this together! Not easy at all. Yes most days my motto is, just keep them alive! That's about all I can manage. Haha!

  3. As I was reading this I reached for my wine glass & found it stuck to the bathroom counter my son apparently squirted toothpaste on and finger painted earlier.. you're not in this alone! Love your honesty Shea, you're in the trenches right now doing the hardest, most sacrificial work. Hang in there mama!

  4. This is the pay back is a bitch your mother warned you about as you grew up...and you'll one day say the same to your boys about when they have a family of their own...but you're a real trooper...I know what one boy is like on just a weekend, but bless your heart that you deal with THREE boys on a daily basis...I hope Kyle treats you to a spa day (often)!