Jett is 18 months

I am just really having a hard time believing he is already 18 months. I skipped his 15 month post, because frankly there just wasn't a whole lot of new going on. Or maybe there was and I just didn't document every new word, action, hand sign, or eye blink in my phone like I did with Holt. Second child problems. He did start walking around 15 months, a few weeks before Christmas, and that was about it for excitement. So back to 18th months. This kid is something else. It's going to be really hard for me not to compare the two at this age in this post, but I will try. They are totally different. I thought Holt was a Mama's boy...I was wrong. This little man will not leave my side. He's constantly at my feet, reaching up to be held, shyly lays his head on my shoulder when we are around new people, and always saying "Mama! Mama!" He is far from independent like Holt was. I guess I really took that for granted. Holt has always been good at playing alone and entertaining himself. Jett can do it for about 5 minutes before he's crying at my legs wanting to be held. Being held is by far his favorite past time. He has quite the temper too, but also a sensitive little heart. If he gets frustrated with a toy or blocks, that thing will end up across the room in seconds. If he wants me to help him with something and I do, he will also most likely throw it across the room, which always results in more tears. For instance, he's having trouble getting his fruit snacks out of the bag, I help him but obviously not fast enough for his liking....boom...fruit snacks on the ground. Now they are trash and now he is crying even more. I'm not sure how you can explain this to an 18 month old so I just laugh it off. If I tell him No No, his bottom lip sticks out before the words finish leaving my mouth. He just really likes things to go his way, nothing out of the norm for a kiddo!

Jett also has a hilarious personality. His smile and his laugh are infectious. I don't know where his old man smoker's laugh comes from, but I am obsessed with it. It's straight from his gut and it's one of the best sounds in the world. His gap teeth make it all the more hilarious. The way his whole face squenches (autocorrect says I made this word up) up in delight can turn a bad day into a good day in an instant. He loves loves loves peekaboo and hiding in our closet, specifically in Daddy's shirts. He thinks he's so sneaky. He runs off with Holt's toys and his snacks and hides there as if it's a brand new secret and no one will ever find him. Jett is monkey see monkey do with his brother. He mimics actions, sounds, words....anything to be more like Holt. Kids are so easily influenced by their surroundings it's scary! You would have never seen Holt picking up action figures making "Hi-ya" and fighting noises at this age, but Jett sure acts like he knows what he's doing! His other favorite, Bentley. He loves his Buh-bee. He thinks all dogs are buh-bees. Bentley is 11 years old now so I get a little nervous his inner grumpy old man will come out when Jett climbs on top of him saying "Giddy up!", but much to my delight, he just lays there letting Jett take him for a joy ride. Jett loves to come in from being gone and let Bentley out of his house, he also loves to tell him to "Goooo!" when it's time to leave and he needs to go into his house. He loves going to check the mail in his buggy and scaring the bejeesus out of us playing on the playground or playset.

His speech is not quite where Holt was at this age, but the beauty of having two kids, you don't worry about milestones and things like this. It will happen. Now that I know what a yapping 3 year old is like, Jett can stay 18 months forever in the speech department. Not really because it is fun to see them learn how to talk and say funny things. He's learning new words everyday, but they aren't exactly clear. They are his own language that only someone who is around him 24/7 would understand. Book and ball sound almost the same. Cow sounds and dog sounds are very similar apparently. One day he knows all his animals, the next day he looks at me like I have 4 heads when I ask him what an elephant says. Once Holt learned something, he learned it. Jett is learning who everyone is aside from Mommy and Daddy. He loves his brother "Oat". Haha! As soon as we pull into the preschool parking lot he says "Oat? Oat?" Sometimes "Up, Oat?" I'm guessing because he always hears me say, "We are going to pick up Holt!" So he probably says around 15-20 words that are real or close to what they should be and a few short sentences "Go Bye Bye", "All Done", all the basics really!

His stats at 18months:
23 lbs 14 oz (44%)
32.5 in (50%)
18.7 in (52%)
Size 5 diapers
18-24 month clothes
Size 5 shoe
10 teeth (bottom 2, top 4, and all molars. Kind of a weird order to get your teeth...)

So contrary to looks, he's not as big and hefty as people think he is. They think he's a little chunk, but he's not. He's solid. He and Holt could not be more different in body type. Kyle says he will be a linebacker. He just plows into things, no problem.

He has had his fair share of ear infections, so we have another appt in a few weeks to check the fluid in his ears. We could be heading towards tubes, but I also think he could be suffering from allergies, which could all be related in my opinion. He is cranky, so cranky. He is clingy, so clingy. Kyle jokes that he still has colic, but seriously...is it possible? I think I got more done with a newborn sometimes. He's always been more high maintenance, but I just can't remember Holt ever clinging to me like this ALL THE TIME. I think it's because he is miserable most the time. Hopefully we will get some answers soon and he can go on being happy!

I can't describe the love I feel for this little guy. Cranky clinginess and all, he is my little ray of sunshine, always has been, always will be!

What did you do today?

I think most husbands, at least the smart ones, know better than to ask a mom this at the end of the day. But how many times do you put yourself in bed at night completely worn out, and ask yourself the same thing? What did you do today? If you're like me, you go to bed with the house not quite the way you wanted it, you didn't prepare the most delicious meal you've ever made, you wore a ponytail and yoga pants AGAIN (gasp), you put food in wrappers into lunchboxes (gasp, again), you wanted a bath but the mere thought of putting off bed for any longer than a 5 minute shower is exhausting, you wanted to read that book, that magazine, that blog...but you didn't. I have left off the everyday tasks like dishes, unloading the dishwasher, sweeping the floor, counter wiping, milk pouring, snack preparing, apple peeling, etc.  So, what did you do today?

Here's what I didn't do:

My "Formal" Dining Room is a parking lot

I love my second island, but that thing is never CLEAN

And for what I did do:

Taught the baby off and on with the light switch in the closet

Pointed out every animal and sound they make on tv, repeat all day

Removed the baby from big brother's 20 character Superhero set up at least 50 times (we know what happens when the baby knocks over anything big brother has set up, disaster and tears)

Searched for Thor's 2" hammer, Batman pez dispenser (the other 10 Superhero pez dispensers are no good, it MUST be Batman)

Changed Buzz Lightyear's batteries after searching for those dang tiny screwdrivers

Attitude check the 3 year old for yelling at me for not finding said missing items fast enough

Look for socks and shoes, not those shoes Mommy, the OTHER shoes

Feverishly prepare snacks and drinks for the car and errands we are about to run

Play DJ in the car

Play peekaboo, How big is..., and hide and seek 

Put a puzzle together with my 3 year old when the baby napped so I could make him feel special

Prepare 3 meals a day that get thrown to the dog or in the trash mostly

Teach body parts during diaper changes, add animal sounds if it's a really wiggly diaper change

Search for 3" tall Buzz Lightyear, can't find, deal with meltdown

Played Wonder Woman gets saved by whichever Superhero my son is that day

Felt inadequate as a mom that I wasn't at the park or out exploring nature and bugs

Search for the red lego

Read every book that is brought to me

Fulfill every "Hold me" request

Tried not to say "Hold on I'm busy" or "Not right now"

Wiped every tear

Kissed every ouchie

Combed hair out of tired eyes

Cuddled on the couch

Watched a magical bond before siblings form

Tried to burn the exact sound of their laughter into my memory forever

Got teary knowing I won't be able to remember that sound forever

This wasn't a day that I went to the gym, or take anyone to school, or to a doctor's appt, or to an extracurricular activity. This was just a day at home with a few errands, a normal day. And in between just about everything on that list you could add "Feel inadequate as a mom for not doing...something else with my time". But what did I do today? Exactly what I was supposed to do. Today I was the best Mom I could be.

 

Disneyworld

Oh wow, I can't believe this trip has come and gone. It was somewhat last minute for a Disneyworld trip. Kyle came home one day in Mid-November and said he had a Christmas present for me, but the boys might like it more. So immediately I thought, wow this is a great present. I don't even get my own presents anymore, awesome. He really wanted to plan it without me and surprise us all around Christmas, but being the smart man he is, he knew that wasn't a possibility without totally stressing me out. I'm not much of a planner as it is, I kinda prefer to go with the flow and not have every second of my trip planned out, but in this case I needed to know. So we sat down and started looking at where to begin. I got really overwhelmed and kinda wished he had just surprised me after all. We took a couple days break and then I was ready to look at it again. We picked the days we wanted to go and from there started planning it all out. We figured the week that everyone went back to school after Christmas break would be an ideal time...and...we were right. We are fully aware Jett will not remember any of this trip and Holt will be lucky if he remembers anything as well. However, we have pictures to prove it was the time of our lives! One perk of Kyle and all his traveling, he gets a lot of points for additional travel. This trip was one of those perks. We did have to sit through a 2 hours Hilton rewards meeting in which they would comp our entire trip, airfare and hotel. In addition to that, we had to pay $150. So we made it through the meeting without getting suckered and voila, we got a trip to Disneyworld for $150 plus park tickets. We figured with the boys being so young, and this trip being so cheap, why not go ahead and go and learn the ropes. That way our next trip will be easy peasy. Holt really is at a magical age to discover Disneyworld. He had a wonderful time. To see the joy in his eyes day after day was just truly a dream for Kyle and I. He was so excited to meet his favorite characters and to see him laugh on rides was just so magical.

We left the house at 5am on Thursday for the airport. The boys were a dream come true on the plane, I think they were still very sleepy. We went to Epcot the first day. We got as far as buying ears (you bet I got me some, it was my first trip to Disneyworld too!) and riding the Nemo ride, which we walked onto with no wait, before the torrential downpour started. We were not going to let that stop us from having fun, so $40 later in Disneyworld ponchos and we were ready to go! We did grab a bite to eat while it was raining and we spent some time at an inside play area before braving the rain. Luckily the sun came out and we were ready to see the rest of Epcot. I would have liked to spend more time here but with it already being a short day and the rain, we were limited. There really is not a whole lot to do there for kids, so it worked out for them. Jett was ready to sleep so I walked him around while Kyle took Holt to see Donald in Mexico.

 Holt decided he had to see Anna and Elsa from Frozen. We told him there was a long line and they were taking a break, but Jett was still sleeping so Kyle said he didn't mind waiting while I took Holt to look around some more. So for two hours Kyle waited. Holt went to meet Snow White and get a pretzel from Germany. We returned to the line and luckily only had to wait another 20 minutes or so. Queen Elsa invited me, a Queen as she called me, to stand by her. Holt has been singing the Frozen songs since we've seen the movie twice and it was his entertainment on the airplane. I know he's a boy, but if he wants to meet some pretty princesses then by golly he can meet some pretty princesses! They're all celebrities to him.

After this, it was time for dinner and almost time for the Illuminations show. Holt was mesmerized by the fireworks but Jett was not. He wanted OUT of there. And he was exhausted. Somehow Holt managed to stay awake all day, even with a 4:45AM wake up time. I don't know how he did it!

The next morning after our Hilton meeting was over at 10, we headed to Hollywood Studios. This was a day of characters. Unfortuntely, the Toy Story Mania ride was out of service which was a big time bummer for us. Holt had no idea, but we were sad. We had a character lunch at Hollywood and Vine with some Disney Jr. characters including Jake, Special Agent Oso, Handy Manny and June from Little Einsteins. Again, to see the excitement in his eyes was pure joy. We went to the Disney Jr Live show after lunch and headed over to meet Buzz and Woody. Daddy waited in line with Holt while I sat on a bench while Jett slept for a bit. This poor kid was running on E. A 45 minute nap was better than nothing, but I'm sure he would have slept for hours had we been back at the hotel. No time for naps, gotta see Disneyworld! We were headed over to the Star Wars area when we stumbled upon a street lined with characters. Belle walked over and took Holt out of his stroller and personally walked him along the street to meet all the characters he wanted to meet. There were so many characters! Chip and Dale were also very playful and they played with his new Zurg toy. Daddy spoiled Holt the entire trip and said he would do it all over again. He pretty much got anything his little heart desired. We walked to the Star Wars store where Daddy let Holt build his own light saber. I took Jett to watch the Jedi training academy, where kids 4 and up learn to fight Darth Vader in person. He comes out with his own light saber and everything! From here we recharged by sitting and having some snacks and an adult beverage (or 2) while watching the Jedi training again, this time Holt was in tears and terrified of Darth Vader. Then we headed to Pizza Planet for dinner.

An arcade is a great place for two little boys to walk around and "play" games. I don't know how much money Kyle spent trying to win one of those aliens for Holt, but he sure tried. We started to make our way to the Fantasmic show at 7 only to discover that it had been cancelled for technical difficulties. How in the world were we going to keep these boys happy for another hour and a half before the next show, oh take them to another gift shop of course. Also let them stuff their faces with ice cream sandwiches. Before we knew it, it was time for the show. I enjoyed it, but it was mostly about the villains and my sensitive Holt is not a fan of the bad guys. He mostly watched with his eyes peering through his fingers.

It was now day 3 and we were ready for Magic Kingdom and all the magic it had in store for us. This park could easily be a 2 day park! Luckily since it was the slow time of year, the longest wait we had was maybe 10 minutes. Also thanks to FastPass we were able to wait in line without waiting, allowing us to ride everything we wanted to that day. Holt's favorite by far was the Buzz Lightyear ride where you can defeat Zurg. I think Jett's favorite was It's a Small World because there was just so much to see. Holt got a little upset on The Little Mermaid ride because, well, Ursula is just really 'cary to him. Kyle and I actually took turns and rode on Space Mountain. It was our trip too...and yes, I still had my ears on. We walked all over Magic Kingdom seeing shows and riding rides. We did it all that day. Buzz Lightyear, Tea Cups, Dumbo, Magic Carpet Ride, It's a Small World, Peter Pan, you name it if Holt and Jett could ride, we did it! Right after Peter Pan, we decided to head over to the circle in front of the castle for the parade. And here came the rain again. We all got in our ponchos and found a great spot. Holt finally gave in and slept for the first time, aside from night time, in 3 days. After waiting for the parade for about 20 minutes...it was cancelled. We decided to call it a day because there was no way we could wait for the fireworks to start over an hour a later, if they started at all. This day we had to ride the monorail back to parking, which I was dreading. We saw the line for the monorail and could not figure out how to get there. We were so frustrated because it was pouring. Even the ponchos weren't helping. Somehow we saw the monorail in front of us and walked right up to get in line. This was too good to be true. Why were there thousands of people in line for the one on the other side and we managed to walk right up to the door of this one? It was a true blessing. As our monorail was about to pull away and take us back to the parking lot, the other one with the thousands of people in line, shut down for maintenance. How could this be? We got truly lucky. After getting absolutely soaked running back to the car, we had survived our 3 days at Disneyworld. We made it back to the hotel and were even able to relax after the boys went to bed. It was truly a special trip. As much "work" as it was with the boys being so young, I would do it all over again just to see the joy and excitement on their faces. I wouldn't change a thing! We live a blessed life and I am so grateful for it.

The plane ride on the way back, was not so nice as the one going. Jett was that kid who screamed the entire time. Kyle and I were at a complete loss. I was 99% sure he was going to fall asleep immediately and sleep the entire time, I was so wrong. He was beyond tired, he couldn't even calm down. Holt also stayed awake the entire plane ride home some how. We were so tired when we got home, but again, it was the trip of a lifetime for us and we would leave again tomorrow...ok not really, but sometime in the near future and do it all again!

8 Things You Don't Know About Me

This has been floating around Facebook and I have been putting it off after being assigned this number. I honestly wasn't going to do anything about it. Then I found myself thinking of things I could write. So I decided why not share some of the things about myself that make me ME?

1) My sister and I shared a bed pretty much until the day I left for college. We had our own rooms, but she crept into my room every night and we ALWAYS said, "Goodnight, love you, see you tomorrow."

2) In my car, the air has to be on 60, 65, or 70. After 70 it can be intervals of 2. 72, 74, 76, 78, 80, etc. I have no clue why, but odd numbers, besides 5 really bother me...mostly just in the car.

3) In early November 2009, I prayed that God would come into my life and have a stronger presence. 2 weeks later, a positive pregnancy test proved that he did that very week I started praying. I was not "regular" as they say and had absolutely no idea I could even conceive at that time.

4) I hate my body and I always have, even before kids. Except my butt, I have always loved my butt. AKA my Shea-lo.

5) I consider my C Section scar a badge of courage, a tiger stripe, and I secretly love it for what it resembles. Who needs a tattoo when you have a full on, still tender, crooked daily reminder of how my children got here? Side note: I  hate the roll of fat it caused above it. Moving on...

6) I have always pictured myself as the mom of 3 boys...for as long as I can remember. So far so good.

7) I was not one of those little girls that dreamed of my wedding day. I did not enjoy planning a wedding and I had pretty much zero interest in doing anything "outside the box". All I wanted was my husband and to start our lives together. Kyle made just as many decisions as me and planned the same amount (if not more than me) for our wedding. He chose the place, the Honeymoon, pretty much did our whole registry, and then some. I was just happy to be marrying the man I had always dreamed of...and he still is.

8) I left a job in 2011 where I was making close to 6 figures (in a down economy) to become a stay at home mom. I was also the breadwinner. I had no business doing this. Kyle was nothing but supportive and assured me "God will provide." He got promoted and transferred to Houston 3 months later.

Aside from the weird quirky things I posted above, what I found myself wanting to share the most were the moments where I saw God having a hand in my life. Ever since that positive pregnancy test, which was Holt, I feel like God and I have a deal. I asked for Him to come into my life, He did, and now I try to spend my days getting better at being closer to Him. I'm still new on my "walk" and so green about it. What would you share about yourself?

Food Therapy Week 2

I thought I would go ahead and update weekly, since I'm sending an email to my family each week, I can easily post here. For those of you that are interested anyways. I did not get a chance to update last week because it was so crazy with Halloween going on right after therapy. He did really well, but given the menu I was not surprised. It was Sun Butter (sunflower seed butter, which is an alternative to peanut butter should someone in class have a nut allergy), bread, jelly, celery, raisins, and caramel apples. He tried a bite of celery and spit it out. He is certainly more willing to try things at therapy versus at home, but he has improved at least trying them. The All Done Cup does help encourage him to at least try food he would have normally pushed away, which he is doing. He is quick to tell you if he will put it to his mouth or actually take a bite. I'll take anything at this point. He is fully aware if he likes something he can put it in his tummy, which he decided to do with some refried beans last night.

They told us that we should not use dessert or sweets as a reward anymore. It's the first thing that comes out of my mouth when I'm trying to get him to eat something. Basically it should be part of the meal and not the end reward. Sweets suppress the appetite. However, if meal time is really not going well, go ahead and give into the sweet, but return to the other foods also. Seems backwards, but this is all new to all of us! You can reward with other things that are not food, like stickers or staying up a little later.

Toddler Meals: 2-3 snacks and 3 meals everyday. (2.5-3 hour intervals) Offer 3 different tastes and textures at each. Lets be real, snacks typically consist of 1 thing, not 3. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Serving size: 1 tablespoon per year of age of each nutritional group. (fruits, veggies, protein, grains) This is probably how he has been able to maintain a "healthy" weight. What he doesn't eat in one category, he makes up for in another. Also, only 3 foods should be offered at a meal, at most 5. Obviously this is a lot of work and I have not been very good at this rule, but it is my goal going forward to take a little more time preparing more fresh meals with seasonings he might actually enjoy. Frankly, I wouldn't want to eat frozen peas and carrots either. Really toddlers do not require that much food, for instance 1 slice of bread is more than a serving size. Also, 4 crackers is considered a serving. We all know Holt can eat him some crackers! Here are some more that might surprise you: 1/2 cup of rice and cereal, 1/2 cup beans, and 3/4 egg.

This next month they are trying something new and offering the same food every week. That would be Thanksgiving food! Maybe by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, he will actually eat his first Thanksgiving meal! Fingers crossed.

Holt's Feeding Disorder

I finally have some answers, although very vague ones in what is going on with Holt's feeding issues. Many of you that know me and my family are aware of what a major issue this is for us. I count my blessings that this is the only "issue" we really have with him. Things were really put in perspective for me when I took him for his evaluation with the occupational therapist last week. A mother with her son in the waiting room commented on how articulate Holt was and how well he spoke for a 3 year old. She was there with her nonverbal autistic 8 year old. She has 4 sons and her husband is gone for 2-3 weeks at a time every month. When I told her we were there for a feeding issue, she told me I should just be very thankful that he is healthy. She was very nice about it, and I completely agree. However, for us this is a major issue and I truly need some help in this department with him. He is anemic due to lack of iron in his diet. My fear if this is not resolved is him passing out at the T-ball tee or soccer field as he grows up. It's not ok that you do not put healthy fuel in your body on a daily basis.

I really had to press the issue with my pediatrician. I've been telling him since he was 15 months old that I thought there was a problem. I did just chalk it up to being picky at the time, but then it got worse not better. Which is a major sign of a feeding disorder. He goes through what we call a jag, meaning he does not return to foods that he used to like. A picky eater will be tired of mac n cheese for example, but go back to it after a break. Holt has never returned to foods he stopped eating, so his list of foods has just decreased and decreased over time. He kept saying it was normal and to give him pediasure to fill in the calories. Finally at his 3 year check up I would not accept this anymore and said I needed to resolve this issue. That's when he got tested for anemia. He handled that finger prick like a champ until he couldn't take it anymore. I told him he could cry and he finally did after about a minute of her squeezing his poor little finger trying to get the blood out. From there we met with a dietician which was pointless. She said I needed the Feeding Disorder Clinic, which I already knew. Most pediatricians will say it's normal for kids to be picky and they will eat when they are hungry. This isn't acceptable to me or an OT because yes they will eat, but what will they eat? Fruit snacks? Goldfish? There is nothing good for the body in those items.

There are a variety of reasons for why he could have this feeding disorder and we may never really know the true cause of it, especially if it can't be medically diagnosed, such as reflux. This is a long process, up to 6 months, possibly more. For him it boils down to a true fear of food. It's possible something happened to him when he was little, such as choking, and we may not have even been aware of it. Something traumatic like that has completely turned him against food. He is fine with crackers and yogurt and some other weird things like edamame and pickles. They asked me in therapy what I can rely on him always eating and it's crackers and yogurt. They said he is a classic feeding disorder case. Per their directions I brought some preferred foods (pretzels, strawberries, cheese) and non preferred foods (hot dog, chicken nugget, rice and cheese). He verbally refused all the non preferred foods and barely touched the preferred. It was an easy "diagnosis" for them. They recommended him for feeding group therapy once a week.

They start with about 20 minutes in a sensory gym to "de-sensitize" and get all the "boy wiggles" out so they can better focus in the group setting. I am sitting on the other side of a one way mirror with a speech therapist learning about what needs to be done at home. We can hear them and see them, but they cannot hear and see us. This week they made Mad Scientist Wraps with tortilla, ham lunch meat, cheese, lettuce, carrots, blueberries, and pickles. Every week they will work with various foods and textures. They start by touching the food, smelling it, licking it, kissing it, biting it and spitting it out. They rarely will chew or swallow the food, it's the last step of a 20 step process. They are just getting familiar with it. He totally refused the ham at first, but did kiss it and put it in his "All Done Cup".

That brings me to the first idea we will be implementing at home, the "All Done Cup". At each meal I will give him a cup (probably one of his superhero plastic cups from HEB) and place it next to his plate. He cannot flat out refuse his food anymore. He will have to use one of his senses before putting it in the All Done Cup. This eliminates the stress for everyone because I no longer have to force him to try something or swallow it. Once I tell him what he needs to do with it and he does it, in the All Done Cup it goes and he does not have to revisit it again. She told me to stop forcing him to do anything now that he is in therapy, it's not worth the struggle and stress. Also, meal times will be 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops. No more sitting there with him for an hour because after 30 minutes nothing is going to change anyways she said. We basically need to reestablish trust in him again at meal times.

We are on the right track! I cannot express how relieved I am to know I am not alone in this matter and that I truly am not crazy. They asked me if I had any questions and I said, "So I'm not crazy? He really does have a problem?" They exclaimed, "Ohhhh yes! There is a big problem." So I encourage you Mommas to stick to your instincts and not just accept what your pedi says if you do not believe it's right. You know your kids better than anyone! If you think your child might have some issues like this, ask your doctor. They will have to write a referral if there is a feeding therapy clinic available in your area. I almost cried when we left therapy yesterday and Holt was just so excited with himself that he tried a bite of a carrot! Whatever your "issue" is with your kids, seek help so you don't have to live a stressful life and you can enjoy motherhood to its fullest!

My Mommy AHA Moment

It's me again, the Rainbow and Butterfly squasher, here to put real life in perspective and make others feel normal. Or maybe I'm the abnormal one and should look into that further (anyone know a shrink?). Regardless, I don't think most of us are spending our "spare" time as moms creating sensory stations of oatmeal and shaving cream for our infants and putting up tape in a doorway for our toddler boys to throw stuff at like it's a spiderweb. Kinda goes against the whole "Don't throw things in the house!" doesn't it? And if you are, that's fantastic, good for you, applause applause. I wonder where in your life do you feel you fall short, if I am feeling I fall short where you are excelling? Because lets be real, no one truly is that perfect

I've had a rough time lately, a really rough time. I've had tears, and major discussions with myself about what my life is about. There's a Kenny Chesney song with a lyric that goes:

"She said the girl I was with the business degree probably wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank.
I was gonna run the math.
Now all I want to run is a bubble bath."

And that's how I feel. I'm the girl with the business degree and I know for a fact she wouldn't recognize me. I told Kyle when I was deciding to become a stay at home mom, that I needed a job description. I needed a list of his expectations because that's how my mind works. I like business. If this was any other job in the world, I honestly feel like I would have been fired by now. They're my kids and they're my husband so they can't fire me. I want to fire myself because I feel like I am failing at it...every single day. 

Here's what happened this morning. Like every morning, I'm running around like a crazy person changing diapers, wiping bottoms, grabbing Superman underwear, he wants Spiderman underwear, pouring milk, making it chocolate, he didn't want chocolate, making it regular again, making him a bowl of cereal, he didn't want milk, toss out the cereal, put cereal in a cup, looking for shoes and socks I know I saw the day before, picking up a milk cup off the ground, putting on mascara on the other eye I forgot, packing the ice pack in lunch so his yogurt stays cold, don't forget the spoon, chasing kids to comb their hair, convincing him to put his shoes on, he's looking for Batman, put your shoes on, I scream. I lose it. I lose my cool completely. I lose it so bad I have floated out of my body and the girl with the business degree looked down and wondered who that girl down there yelling at her 3 year old is. I turn everything over to God and pray for him to please show me the way, I don't like that person. I surrender to You. In the midst of fighting back my tears a few minutes later, my 3 year old walks over to me with all his innocence and says "Mommy, maybe if I hug you, you will feel better." Hello God. I lose it again, this time it's tears rolling down my face. I apologize and tell him I love him. We get in the car and he says "Are we best friends again?" I've been convicted. This was my AHA moment. I don't know what to do from here but I know I've reached the point where I need to be honest with myself and make some changes. Maybe it's ordering a book, (I already have one on the way), maybe it's spending more time alone, maybe it's deciding to get my house in order (ha), maybe it's talking with my doctor, maybe it's a bottle of wine with my girlfriends, maybe it's time away with my husband, go to the gym, get more involved at Church, who knows. Being a mom is hard, it's really hard, and no one tells you why it's hard. That's what I am here for.